Thoughts Abroad

Florida: Where you go outside and breathe other people's sweat.

Adam Sandler's Hanukkah Song

Intro: This is a song, that uh, theres alot of Xmas songs out there, but not too many about Hanukkah, so I wrote a song for all those nice little Jewish kids who dont get to hear any Hanukkah songs--here we go...

Put on your yalmulka, here comes Hanukkah
Its so much fun-akkah to celebrate Hanukkah,

Hanukkah is the Festival of Lights,
Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights.

When you feel like the only kid in town without a Xmas tree,
Heres a list of people who are Jewish, just like you and me:

David Lee Roth lights the menorrah,
So do James Caan, Kirk Douglas, and the late Dinah Shore-ah

Guess who eats together at the Karnickey Deli,
Bowzer from Sha-na-na, and Arthur Fonzerrelli.

Paul Newmans half Jewish; Goldie Hawns half too,
Put them together--what a fine lookin Jew!

You dont need Deck the Halls or Jingle Bell Rock
Cause you can spin the dreidel with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock--both Jewish!

Put on your yalmulka, its time for Hanukkah,
The owner of the Seattle Super Sonic-ahs celebrates Hanukkah.

O.J. Simpson-- not a Jew!
But guess who is...Hall of Famer--Rod Carew--(he converted!)

We got Ann Landers and her sister Dear Abby,
Harrison Fords a quarter Jewish-- not too shabby!

Some people think that Ebeneezer Scrooge is,
Well, he's not, but guess who is: All three stooges.

So many Jews are in show biz--Tom Cruise isn't, but I heard his agent is.

Tell your friend Veronica, its time you celebrate Hanukkah
I hope I get a harmonica, on this lovely, lovely Hanukkah.

So drink your gin-and-tonic-ah, and smoke your marajuanic-ah,
If you really, really wanna-kah, Have a happy, happy, happy, happy Hanukkah.

Creative Insults

"In a calm, clear voice, she suggested that the wyrsa in question could do several highly improbable, athletically difficult, and possibly biologically impractical things involving its own mother, a few household implements, and a dead fish." --The Silver Gryphon

When You're Angry...

"Well, what have we got here? Do you see this? Those flashing eyes, those flushed cheeks, those trembling lips... You know something Princess? You are ugly when you're angry."
--Bill Pullman, Spaceballs.

Braveheart for the Single

Ask him, and he may say no.

Don’t ask him, and he won’t reject you.

But years from now, alone in your retirement home,

Thinking back on today,

Would you be willing to trade all of those lonely days

Between now and then

For one chance

That he may say yes.

Missing Innocence

Romping through the forests wild

Weaving round the trees, this child

Shows us what we are missing.

Once, we too were like this golden haired

Youth, fearless and bold we dared

Our playground to show us something

We did not bid into our dream.

But then the monster of adolescence

Kidnapped the spirit of our innocence

And locked it in a tower, far away.

We tried to rally to our cause,

“Come with us and retrieve what was lost!”

But no ally joined us on that day,

And slowly, we joined their apathy.

We forgot what it was like to be carefree

And to believe in things we couldn’t see

We became those creatures we once only saw in shadow.

We took pride in that title, “Adult”

Not realizing that this cult

Would never let us return now that we know

That beyond the forest, nothing grows.

Our only hope to regain that tower

That holds our innocence in its power

Is to have children of our own.

Only with them as our guides

Can we be allowed back inside

For now we shall never alone

Reenter the play we had once known.