Throughout my life, including my earliest memories, I have been in love. From the twin in kindergarten, to the boy with piercing blue eyes in first grade, to the popular boys in junior high and high school, and then the beautiful nerds in college. These do not exclude boys (and men) in movies, novels, and even manga. Life for me has been one seamless transition from one crush to another.
Why do I prefer this existence? My affections have never been reciprocated. The closest I have been to a relationship is harmless flirtation with no expectation of it to be taken seriously on either side.
Actually, honestly, some have liked me. But either they were unlucky enough to not happen to be that week's crush, or I was scared and laughed off their attention. Or I didn't notice. I've been told stories of some that liked me. I couldn't tell, at the time. Or they scared me. Some boys are scary. I can't imagine even dating them, I just start shuddering and feel the need to take a shower because I feel dirty under their gaze.
But back to the nice ones. The ones I didn't notice or I laughed off. Why? Obviously I couldn't help the ones I didn't notice. What was I afraid of, though? I watch romantic movies, and my heart bursts with the desire to exchange those glances with someone who might, actually, feel the same way I do. Am I afraid of finding someone who loves me? Am I afraid of actually exchanging those glances and taking their force fully instead of over the shoulder and through a camera lens? Or am I afraid of the vulnerability of loving someone and not having it returned? I shouldn't. I've loved everyone who's never loved me. I've had my heart broken daily since I was five. And I've embarrassed myself for acting foolishly since I've been old enough to.
But I've never invested in someone who then let me down. Not really. Perhaps that's what I'm afraid of. Because my loves and broken hearts have been private, known only to me and my unfortunate roommates and close friends.
I'm done for now. I'm exhausted.
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1 comment:
As Jack would say, "Purgatory doesn't last forever." :) Hold on friend.
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