Journal 11.8

This past year I've been trying to figure out what it means to be an adult. I thought that 18 was the line, but apparently you're still a teenager. Then I thought 20 was the difference, but I didn't feel anything. Next comes 21 and alcohol. Is that what makes us adult? Being able to make bad decisions and get shitfaced? And what about those that "grew up too fast"? Or those that "never grew up"? Is responsibility the deciding factor?

What is responsibility? The ability to be responsible? To follow through with your promises? To be able to look out for yourself? I've been mostly on my own for three years. I've paid rent, I've kept the same job, I've gone grocery shopping, I've done the dishes and cleaned the bathroom. Does that make me responsible? Does that make me an adult? I don't feel like I deserve the title.

I never wanted to grow up. Never. People say that they look back and wish they'd taken advantage of their childhood... I knew what I had when I had it. I'd be playing hide and seek, and I'd think, "in a couple years, I won't fit back here anymore." I enjoyed the fact that my parents made dinner and all I had to do was put five plates on the table. I knew that back then, it didn't really matter if I did my homework right after school or if I stayed up late doing it, I could go outside and play. I knew that my parents weren't happy with their jobs, and that I probably wouldn't be either. But I didn't have to worry about that. The most on my mind was the cute boy two desks down. Whether I could get to the swingset before they were full. Whether I wanted the nacho lunch or the corndogs for lunch. I knew what I had, and I didn't want to leave it.

Based on what actions give me guilt, and which actions give me a bitter satisfaction, I think that adults weigh what they want to do against what they need to do, and set aside their desires. This past semester, I've been regressing. Almost to the point of jeopardizing my grades. I've made orange juice popsicles, I got a hold of sippy cup tops, I've been watching movies when I should be doing homework, I even sucked my thumb to remember what it was like to have a self-comfort system. And I know that these things are not adult. That an adult would let them go and fulfill their responsibilities. I'm not ready. I never wanted to grow up, and I certainly don't want to now. But I have no choice. It's either this path of dissatisfaction and denial, or the street. Because that's where I'll end up if I let go of everything. And don't try to tell me that there's a balance. Children don't want balance. They want black and white. Either what I want, or what I don't.